LukeDog asks: “Yo Red, you seem like the outdoors-type and mushroom season is right around the corner. Can a person eat too many ‘shroomz and are there side effects? Will they make you sick, or will they make you run through the woods naked, chasin’ little bunny rabbits?”

Ask Red says: Depending on the variety of mushroom you consume, yes, eating certain types  will make you tumble down the rabbit hole and into your own “Wonderland” adventure. At least that is what they taught me in D.A.R.E. class. But around these parts you’re not likely to find Magic Bus Munchies growing wild in the forest. What you may stumble onto, however, are the tasty morsels called morels that are a culinary delight. Early reports from fungi foragers say that “Smokies,” the darker, less desired but still good eating variety, are cropping up now. As April goes along the white morels will join the Smokies and if you discover a mother lode of them you’ll be in ‘shroom heaven. Of course, the mystery tour strain will also take you places but you might never come back.

Mary Gert asks: What happened to the "good ole days" when you could pull into a service station, someone came out, pumped your gas, checked your oil, washed your windows, and put air in your tire.  Heck, they even said thanks for coming and gave you a plate or some other piece of dishware.

Ask Red says:  Sometime when you weren’t looking they slipped in the word “self” before service. It was meant to cater to the “driver on the go” who had little time for niceties and didn’t want a tea saucer tossed in his lap. Later, the gas station was replaced by the oxymoronic titled “convenience” stores of today where you pump the gas, wipe your own windows and walk through nature’s elements to pay. While I do remember my mother pulling out dish plates from boxes of detergent, I don’t recall them being giving away petro stops. With a little research I discovered that the Harvest Wheat and Blue Willow patterns were quite popular during the gas jockey days.

Jacques C. asks: “Who would have thought training killer whales was so dangerous?”

Night Shift says: Dude, I am so with you.  I thought “Killer” whale was one of those opposite names like when a really big guy is called “Tiny” or the country “Greenland” or “Comedian” Dane Cook.  I mean if it was really all that dangerous wouldn’t there be a show about it on the Discovery Channel?  But no, Ice Truckers and Sea Captains get all the glory and all we can say to the unfortunate trainer is, farewell old chum.

Ask Red says: Not only can whales be killers but apparently some are serial killers. The one that drown the trainer at SeaWorld, Tilikum, is suspected in two other murders. The first was a gang-style slaying with two other Orcas in 1991. In 1999, the dead body of a naked man was found lying of the back of Tilikum. SeaWorld contends that the show must go on and the killer will be part of it in the future. I guess killer whales are hard to replace where trainers are akin to kelp. I’m not sure SeaWorld had the killing of its trainers in mind when it named its show, “Dine with Shamu.” That’s some creepy dinner theater. As a side note, you know it's going to be a bad day when the boss promotes you to head killer whale trainer at SeaWorld.

What is the lamest or smoothest pickup line you ever delivered, heard or used? Add yours to the list by posting a comment.

Quagmire: "Are you a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you."

John L.:  "Got any Irish in you? Do you want some?"

Mark V.: "Can I borrow a dime because I told my mom I'd call her when I fell in love."

Alan S.: "Wanna go out for pizza and then f*&%? (drink then tossed in face) What, you don't like pizza?"

Abe L. asks: “Is there a cure for cabin fever? I’m down with it big time.”

Ask Red says: Can’t help you, bro. I have the Ebola strain of CF. It’s so bad that when the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated hit the mailbox I was more interested in looking at beaches and blue skies than I was pictures of hot-buttered bikini babes. All I can tell you to be strong, my man, lest you wind up like Jack Torrance. Remember him in The Shining? “All work and no play make Jack a dull boy,” he uttered before trying to hack his family to pieces with an ax. Homer Simpson had the same affliction in The Shinnin. “No beer and no TV make Homer go crazy.” A lot of folks fight the winter blues by finding a diversion but about the only thing going on in these parts are bowling leagues. If you are like me, though, I’d rather go Paul Bunyan on someone than wear one of those shirts with your name embroidered on it.

James L. asks: Yo Red, me and my wife was out for dinner the other night when I noticed a car pull up in the parking lot and it had two REALLY, REALLY good lookin’ women in it and they started to make out. My wife caught me staring at them and was mad. Was that wrong of me to watch or does that make me normal?

Ask Red says: Obviously your wife is insecure and wants all of your attention. Lesbo love is the new hit on the street. I’m even surprised there isn’t a reality TV show featuring it. If Mrs. Jealousy wants your wandering eye focused on you suggest that she tongue wrestles the waitress the next time you take her to the diner. Verdict: You are an “upright” Dude!

Skool Marm says: It was not wrong of you to watch. Had two gorillas been making out you would have stared just the same. The error here is not in your choice of viewing material but in your grammar and sentence structure. Watch as many Girls Gone Wild videos as you want, but try to take something valuable away from it. Note that instead of shouting "These is my titties," the underage girl should have said "These ARE my titties." See, you learn something new everyday. Your wife can't argue that.

Tyler H. asks: “If I hear one more person in the dorm scream, ‘Pants on the ground, pants on the ground’ I’m going to spew on the carpet. WTF is with this chant?”

Ask Red says: It’s just another scourge inflicted upon us by the same show that brought us Bo Bice, Kelly Clarksomething and the “She Bang” guy – “American Idol.”

During “Idol” auditions in Atlanta last fall 63-year-old “General” Larry Platt performed his “Pants on the Ground” rap song which ridiculed boys from the ‘hood who wore their pants below the Mason-Dixon Line.

The General didn’t advance in the competition but his song went so viral that cracker Brett Favre shouted it in the locker room on national TV after the team advanced in last month’s NFC playoffs. Platt might be a rip-off artist, however. The Green Brothers recorded a song in 1996 titled “Back Pockets on the Floor” of the same ilk.

Pants on the ground took on new meaning this week when a man flying cross-country from San Francisco dropped his drawers and claimed it was from munching on too many medicinal whacky-weed-laced cookies.So there are two lessons to learn from this. One, you can rip a tube and join the chorus the next time the boys on the floor break out a POTG mantra or, two,  pull your pants up over your ears and try to sleep.

Rachel P. asks: “Why have videos of ‘cat fights’ become so popular on the Internet?”

Ask Red says: At first I thought you were referring to clips from “America’s Funniest Animals” until I conducted a little research. Mee-ow. According to one report, there are more than 265,000 clips on YouTube of chicks duking it out. Some are staged while others look like real cage matches. While I myself abhor fighting (UFC is garbage I’d never watch), the allure of a cat fight is twofold: voyeurism and comedy. Regarding the former, when females square off a guy starts thinking there’s a chance that clothing will be torn and skin revealed. On the latter, some of the fist-tossing techniques girls employ make them look like pigeons with broken wings. This chick-on-chick tussling has long been popular in some form or another. Way back in the peace and love days of the 1960s Roller Derby was standard after-church TV fare. One of the most watched episodes of “Dynasty” in the 1980s was when Linda Evans and Joan Collins clawed away at each other in a pond. That was also the decade that saw women mud wrestling reach new heights. Chick boxing came of age in the 1990s and now we have these freelancers exchanging knuckles on YouTube.  Heck, J-Woww defended Snookie’s honor on “Jersey Shore” last week by dotting the eyes of someone who dissed her. I can’t explain in full the popularity of this recent phenomenon but, considering there are a quarter million videos out there featuring it, I’ve got a lot of research ahead of me. Purrrrr.

Night Shift says: Like 90 percent of everything it’s about sex.  A lot of guys like to imagine that the girls are fighting over him or will fall in a sweaty heap on the floor and start making out.  They also figure that a chick who will go toe-to-toe with another girl in public will also be no dead fish in the sack.  In a guy’s adrenalin-steeped eyes even an average looking girl can become a knock-out.

BarWench says: Websites like YouTube survive off the thousands of talentless people seeking instant celebrity through user-uploaded videos. Look at Tay Zonday (Chocolate Rain), Kimbo Slice, that guy who sobbingly defended Britney Spears in front of a webcam under his bed sheets -- all these people achieved overnight fame for exploiting the normal, everyday oddities of regular people. And what is more normal and everyday than caddy bitches wanting to slap each other's spray tan off? It's a simple formula the websurfing community has created: show people what happens outside their comfy living rooms so they don't have to get off the couch and miss the latest reality show (which coincidently is also broadcasting the mundane lives of others). Why go uptown searching the bars for cat fights when the Internet provides instant gratification?

Delaney asks: “Who was the baddest bitch at the Grammys – Pink or Lady Gaga?”

Ask Red says: Before I answer that I want to know why all the dude acts at the show were such lame pussies. The edgy rebels Green Day and Kings of Leon could only muster talk of “par-taying” after they left the stage (whoop, whoop). Gaga was tossed into a flaming cauldron while Pink was spinning in a sling spraying jiz across the stage. Now that's bad ass. Who was the Baddest Bitch? I have to give it to the Ga. She emerged from the fire only to have to duet with Elton John. That’s gotta be a living hell. (Agree or don't agree, let's get your read. Hit the comment bar below and share your opinion.)

Heather M. asks: “Is it wrong to snoop in the medicine cabinets of others?”

Ask Red says: Of course it is but that doesn’t stop many of us from cracking open the forbidden door. Statistics show that four out of 10 people you invite to a party will stick their noses in your business. Most will peek and close the door quickly out of guilt. Others take a mental inventory of the meds and creams you’re on to use as gossip fodder later. We are naturally curious creatures but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy. The outcome can yield horrible results. Think Brad Pitt in “Se7en.”: “What’s in the box? What’s in the f*&^ing box?” Or, bear in mind that medicine cabinets can be booby trapped. There are stories of some people filling these depositories with marbles or other goodies meant to surprised the unsuspecting. Happy prying.

Night Shift says: Not only is it wrong it’s pointless.  Everybody expects you to snoop inside the medicine cabinet so only the really innocuous stuff is in there.  The real prizes are in the bottom drawer near the back. That’s where you’ll find the Viagra, herpes medicine and anti-depressants.

Editor's note: If you snoop let's us know what was the most interesting thing you found in someone's medicine cabinet. Post a comment here.