Blake asks: My wife has me on a no-bread diet. Can I eat lunchmeat right from the deli bag? I mean, why dirty a dish for nothing?

Ask Red says:  Eat the plastic bag, too while you are at it. That way you might choke and put yourself out of your own misery. What the hell kinda of fad diet doesn’t permit you to enjoy the staff of life? It’s not your taste for sourdough that’s turning you into the Michelin Man. It is the other excesses of which you can’t let go. Eating healthy is all about balance; not swinging the gastronomical pendulum from one side to the other. You already know all of this but are looking for the easy way out. Unfortunately, that route takes you to a prime parking spot at Wal-Mart and its electric carts with huge baskets hanging from them.

Night Shift adds: Absolutely.  You're having what is called in Atkins veracular a "handwich" which is ok in my book.  Since it's also carbolicious, she's probably taken away your beer too.  So additionally, I approve of drinking wine right out of the bottle.  But never, ever roll up the luchmeat and use it as a straw to drink your wine.  It leaks when the pimento falls out of the olive loaf into the bottle.

Franklin asks: “I have a somewhat embarrassing medical condition -- a boil for the ages. I am seriously considering contacting the “Guiness Book of World Records” about it.  What's worse is that everything I have tried to do – apply creams lotions, etc. – to get rid of it has failed, and I am too shy to go see my doctor about this.  Did mention that it is located near my privates? HELP!”

Ask Red says: It’s time for a reality check, Franklin. This isn’t about the pustule festering down by your business. Lance the thing, watch it blow like an Icelandic volcano and you’re cured. Franklin, your cry for help isn’t about a pimple on steroids. It is about the fact that you aren’t getting laid and you’re using the boil as the fall guy. The real problem is that your name is “Franklin.” You can’t work the bar scene dropping that “f-bomb” and expect any action. My advice is to head down to the courthouse and have your name changed to something like Garth. You do that and the boil won’t be the only thing erupting down south.

Night Shift says: Franklin, you aren’t going to be able to just rub this one out with a little cream like you do the other problems in the vicinity.  No - this is going to hurt, probably a lot.  That third lap lump has to be skewered and drained.  Either you can do it or a better idea would be to see a doctor, preferably one out of town who you won’t run into at the VFW later.  There are a few videos on Youtube that you can reference that are real stomach turners, so you may want to take a look at what you’re in for and decide if you are up for the job. 

Horace T. asks: “Why is it that wives are quick to point out something you are doing wrong but almost impossible to get a compliment out of them if you are doing something right?”

Ask Red says: Because what guys think is right doesn’t jive with a woman’s definition. Is it “right” that hanging with the guys at the 19^th hole took longer than it did to play the round of golf? Damn skippy. Is it right to gently nudge her in the middle of the night to tell her the baby is fussing? A good father should do nothing less. Is it wrong to remodel the living room by placing that mounted 8-pound bass you caught where your wedding picture once hung? Hell no. Conversely, is it wrong to put your dirty dish on the counter next to the dishwasher instead of farther away? She’d think so. This disconnect on what’s right and what’s wrong has been going on for ages so don’t feel bad that you weren’t praised for using her towel to wipe the floor after you missed the bowl. If she can’t appreciate your chivalry, I will. Good job Horace.

Night Shift says: There is a fundamental difference between what men and women perceive as right and wrong. A man for example, knows it is wrong to sleep with his wife’s sister but thinks it’s perfectly ok to check her out in that oh-so-skimpy bikini. His wife, however, will see him ogling her little sister and want to hit him with a skillet.  A man will take pride in building the perfect washers box or in finding a driving shortcut to the kid’s game. A woman will roll her eyes at such achievements. Douse a potentially dangerous fireworks-started yard fire with a bio-filtered beer and you would get a standing ovation from your buddies on the softball team.  All you will get from your wife is a disapproving head shake.  Let’s face it guys, we’re the dogs who proudly bring dead birds into the kitchen. You can look for her approval all you want but what you’re likely to get is a smack across the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

 

LukeDog asks: “Yo Red, you seem like the outdoors-type and mushroom season is right around the corner. Can a person eat too many ‘shroomz and are there side effects? Will they make you sick, or will they make you run through the woods naked, chasin’ little bunny rabbits?”

Ask Red says: Depending on the variety of mushroom you consume, yes, eating certain types  will make you tumble down the rabbit hole and into your own “Wonderland” adventure. At least that is what they taught me in D.A.R.E. class. But around these parts you’re not likely to find Magic Bus Munchies growing wild in the forest. What you may stumble onto, however, are the tasty morsels called morels that are a culinary delight. Early reports from fungi foragers say that “Smokies,” the darker, less desired but still good eating variety, are cropping up now. As April goes along the white morels will join the Smokies and if you discover a mother lode of them you’ll be in ‘shroom heaven. Of course, the mystery tour strain will also take you places but you might never come back.

Mary Gert asks: What happened to the "good ole days" when you could pull into a service station, someone came out, pumped your gas, checked your oil, washed your windows, and put air in your tire.  Heck, they even said thanks for coming and gave you a plate or some other piece of dishware.

Ask Red says:  Sometime when you weren’t looking they slipped in the word “self” before service. It was meant to cater to the “driver on the go” who had little time for niceties and didn’t want a tea saucer tossed in his lap. Later, the gas station was replaced by the oxymoronic titled “convenience” stores of today where you pump the gas, wipe your own windows and walk through nature’s elements to pay. While I do remember my mother pulling out dish plates from boxes of detergent, I don’t recall them being giving away petro stops. With a little research I discovered that the Harvest Wheat and Blue Willow patterns were quite popular during the gas jockey days.

Jacques C. asks: “Who would have thought training killer whales was so dangerous?”

Night Shift says: Dude, I am so with you.  I thought “Killer” whale was one of those opposite names like when a really big guy is called “Tiny” or the country “Greenland” or “Comedian” Dane Cook.  I mean if it was really all that dangerous wouldn’t there be a show about it on the Discovery Channel?  But no, Ice Truckers and Sea Captains get all the glory and all we can say to the unfortunate trainer is, farewell old chum.

Ask Red says: Not only can whales be killers but apparently some are serial killers. The one that drown the trainer at SeaWorld, Tilikum, is suspected in two other murders. The first was a gang-style slaying with two other Orcas in 1991. In 1999, the dead body of a naked man was found lying of the back of Tilikum. SeaWorld contends that the show must go on and the killer will be part of it in the future. I guess killer whales are hard to replace where trainers are akin to kelp. I’m not sure SeaWorld had the killing of its trainers in mind when it named its show, “Dine with Shamu.” That’s some creepy dinner theater. As a side note, you know it's going to be a bad day when the boss promotes you to head killer whale trainer at SeaWorld.

What is the lamest or smoothest pickup line you ever delivered, heard or used? Add yours to the list by posting a comment.

Quagmire: "Are you a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you."

John L.:  "Got any Irish in you? Do you want some?"

Mark V.: "Can I borrow a dime because I told my mom I'd call her when I fell in love."

Alan S.: "Wanna go out for pizza and then f*&%? (drink then tossed in face) What, you don't like pizza?"

Abe L. asks: “Is there a cure for cabin fever? I’m down with it big time.”

Ask Red says: Can’t help you, bro. I have the Ebola strain of CF. It’s so bad that when the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated hit the mailbox I was more interested in looking at beaches and blue skies than I was pictures of hot-buttered bikini babes. All I can tell you to be strong, my man, lest you wind up like Jack Torrance. Remember him in The Shining? “All work and no play make Jack a dull boy,” he uttered before trying to hack his family to pieces with an ax. Homer Simpson had the same affliction in The Shinnin. “No beer and no TV make Homer go crazy.” A lot of folks fight the winter blues by finding a diversion but about the only thing going on in these parts are bowling leagues. If you are like me, though, I’d rather go Paul Bunyan on someone than wear one of those shirts with your name embroidered on it.

James L. asks: Yo Red, me and my wife was out for dinner the other night when I noticed a car pull up in the parking lot and it had two REALLY, REALLY good lookin’ women in it and they started to make out. My wife caught me staring at them and was mad. Was that wrong of me to watch or does that make me normal?

Ask Red says: Obviously your wife is insecure and wants all of your attention. Lesbo love is the new hit on the street. I’m even surprised there isn’t a reality TV show featuring it. If Mrs. Jealousy wants your wandering eye focused on you suggest that she tongue wrestles the waitress the next time you take her to the diner. Verdict: You are an “upright” Dude!

Skool Marm says: It was not wrong of you to watch. Had two gorillas been making out you would have stared just the same. The error here is not in your choice of viewing material but in your grammar and sentence structure. Watch as many Girls Gone Wild videos as you want, but try to take something valuable away from it. Note that instead of shouting "These is my titties," the underage girl should have said "These ARE my titties." See, you learn something new everyday. Your wife can't argue that.