Lover Boy Asks: “What should I get my girlfriend for Valentine’s Day. I thought about one of those ginormous cards they sell at Motomart but man, that is a lot of licking to seal the envelope. Any suggestions?”

 Ask Red writes: You are dead on about the envelope. You don’t want glue on your tongue especially on that night. How embarrassing would that be to get it stuck on the canyon wall? You could opt for one of those over-priced, mass-marketed diamond pendants endorsed by an over-the-hill, never was much of an actress, but that would be about as cheesy as taking her to Applebee’s for dinner. You could give her flowers so she can watch them wilt and remind her that love dies a slow death. My advice is to stop squirming over it and relax. She is not with you because some cherub stuck an arrow in her ass. Take her out to your favorite spot, be yourself and simply utter the words, “I love you.” Now that is something money can’t buy.