Blaze N. asks: The company Christmas party is just a few weeks away. How do I avoid embarrassing myself and losing my job?

Ask Red says: I’m usually sitting bare-ass on the copier at these affairs so I consulted with someone who has a little more street cred on this issue. Miranda the Party Maven gave me a list of real life examples of what not to do. They include:

• Don’t threaten to deposit a loaf in the vice president’s desk drawer.
• If your date is puking in the bathroom, take her home. Don’t proper her up in a chair and continue to party on.
• Don’t dump the flowers out of the centerpiece and use the vase as a giant beer pitcher.
• Don’t talk over the person giving the meal prayer or when the company president is making a speech.
• If the venue doesn’t allow smoking, don’t light one up anyway and tell the hostess to f*#% off when asks you to extinguish the cigarette.
• If you drop your plate of food on the floor, don’t leave it there hoping others will step in it so you and puke-date can have a laugh.
• Finally, the best advice is to stay at home if you can’t follow these rules. The chances are no one will miss you.