The college’s Foundation needs to raise some serious jack -- $400,000 -- if it wants to add the lab to the building. It is well on its way to meeting that goal. The first $270,000 was easy to scratch together in just two months. But the Foundation has discovered that, like climbing a mountain, the last one-third of the trek is a lot steeper.

                So, rather than try and nickel-and-dime its way to the top, it is thinking big as in, “Who’s ego is so big that they’ll pay dearly to have their name embossed on a plaque that hangs over a doorway?”

                The Foundation held a press conference recently to announce that it is ready to cut a deal with anyone who is starving for attention and, more importantly, is willing to pay for it. It handed out color pictures of the four rooms up for sale. It wasn’t a persuasive marketing piece. The rooms were institutional and nondescript as one would expect to find at a community college. Save for the obligatory grease board and pull down projection screen, the walls were barren.

                I don’t know about you, but if I was forking over 50k I’d want more than my name above a door. I’d definitely want more interesting décor in my room. I’m thinking maybe a bronze bust or at least a mural of me perched gallantly atop a white Arabian steed. I could either way on the saber raised to the heavens, but being depicted as buff and shirtless is a must.

                I’m not sure the Foundation had such grandiose ideas in mind when it concocted the name rights scheme but, as a person who spends most of his time helping companies market themselves, I feel that I’m doing pro bono work on its behalf. (You’re welcome.)

                I have more ideas, too. Why not put everything up for sale at the school? We can trick it out ala NASCAR. Stickers would be plastered everywhere. “This water fountain sponsored by Aquafina.” Rights to the women’s restroom could be sold to Playtex. The men’s room would go to Vaseline. Instructors would be required to wear NASCAR jumpsuits like racers. Every inch of their body would be up for sale.

                Students would have to dig into their pockets a little, too. Just like the Rams, Cardinals and other sports teams, the Foundation could sell Personal Seat Licenses. Brown-nosers would pay more for front row desks.

                This might seem over the top but it’s no more so than the Foundation’s naming rights solicitation. If someone wants to give money to this particular cause then maybe, out of pure graciousness, the Foundation should honor them. Buying your own honorarium just cheapens it a tad.

                Kidding aside, I do hope the Foundation meets its goal. The satellite facility is an asset to our community. Two of my children have already benefitted from its being there. But The Usual Suspects doesn’t take things too seriously and this was primed for some mocking. Taking a cue from the Foundation, I’d sell my mother up the river just for a few laughs.