The second annual “America’s Manliest Cities” rankings were released recently and the top honor went to the very chick-sounding Charlotte, NC. Not that “Pinckneyville” sounds less effeminate (the town was named after a dandy who wore knickers and a white wig, for goodness sakes) but, if one looks at the criteria of the survey, we easily out-muscle all cities on the list.
The pollsters looked at six categories they described as “manly.” Each, along with my assessment of Pinckneyville, is delineated herein.
Sports: (Surveyors looked at the level of sports enthusiasm with an emphasis on NASCAR and racing in general) A no-brainer. No one can question Pinckneyville’s loyalty to its beloved Panthers. The team’s color, Columbia blue, is seen ad nauseam. Only the sky covers us more completely. As far as NASCAR, the high school’s driver’s ed car sports an “Ernhardt 3” decal.
Manly Lifestyle: (Surveyors looked at number of pickups, how many people fish, and how much home improvement occurs) This is too easy. Everyone in town has a pickup truck. How else can we tow our fishing boats? Add to that, those trucks are pretty handy for hauling white tails. As far as home improvement, nothing makes a house look manlier then an Ernhardt flag on the porch and Jon Boat under the carport.
Manly Retail Stores: (Surveyors looked at the number of stores and eateries that serve the manly lifestyle) Heck, our stores are so manly one is even named “Mann’s” as in Mann & Sons Sporting Goods. More so, we have two gun shops (Mann's and Hick's Trading Post) and another gunsmith (Wright's), but only one Laundromat. You can buy camouflage baby outfits at Stotlar Drug Store but can’t purchase dress shoes in town. Plus, we have the new retail center, dubbed the “Man Mall” going in near Kellerman’s Feed Store. We definitely manned up in this category.
Manly Magazine Subscriptions: (Surveyors looked at percentage of households subscribing to such publications as “Men’s Health”) Wussies, I say. Real men don’t read that drivel when the Buchheit’s and Rural King circulars come out once a week.
Manly Occupations: (Surveyors looked at number of construction workers, policemen and firefighters) Judging by the number of cops we have running around town, we don’t need the other categories to win hands down. Construction workers, no problem. What about prison guards, or are they considered girly-men?
Salty Snack Sales: (Surveyors looked at total salty snacks sold in each community) An odd category until one considers that the survey was sponsored by Combos, the cheese- food-and-cracker maker. You got it; nothing says manliness like high blood pressure. The only way I can qualify this one is by saying that, besides the high number of Beelman dump trucks and Gilster-Mary Lee semis going through town, I do see a lot of Frito-Lay wagons, too.
After this comprehensive analysis, correct me if I am wrong. Doesn’t Pinckneyville merit a place in this ranking? If you agree then join me in an initiative to have the town included in next year’s survey. Start by sending an email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it to lobby on our behalf. Jason won’t mind. He is the flack Combos and would love to hear from you.
In addition, let me know about some of the other manly attributes of Pinckneyville I’ve missed so we can add them to the cause.
If we pull this off we might finally be able to get rid of the “Friendly Little City” sissy- tag we have plastered on the town’s entry signs and replace with the “Manly Little City,” Now that is something to strut about.
