The best I can tell, the first call for dividing Illinois came in 1861. According to accounts in the book, “The History of Williamson County” soon after the Rebels whipped the Yankees and took Fort Sumter about a dozen people gathered in a Marion saloon demanding a public meeting to pass an ordinance on succession.

            That must have been some strong ale they were swigging because I’ve been in a few barrooms in my time and the only thing I ever hear called for is another round. On the other hand, they might have just been a bunch of wusses hedging their bets. If they thought the Confederates were going to win the war they didn’t want to appear to be on the wrong side and have their houses burned to the ground.

            Either way, when folks in Carbondale heard about it they succeeded in revoking the resolution. And that, my children, is why Carbondale and Marion don’t play nice with each other even to this day.

            The next time I heard of a succession effort was in 2002 when a guy in Martinsville – a town near along the border near Terre Haute, Ind. – started a petition drive. He did remarkably well in gathering 2,000 signatures. The problem was that he needed 200,000 to file the succession order legally. I’m not sure he’s made additional progress. A message on his website read that it was down for reconstruction. It was posted in 2003.

            So, here we are today with another effort to snap Southern Illinois off from the rest of the state like a Kit Kat bar, although I sense that, unlike Martinsville man and the Marion sots, this one is more of a lark.

            If that is so, I say let’s give it some teeth. We can’t afford to fail for a third time or those bloated fat-cats in Chicago will never take us seriously. I call on all brothers and sisters of this region to stop scratching your chiggers for a moment and sound the bells of freedom! I understand, around here they’ll be cowbells.

            Many challenges await us in this effort. The first and foremost is that, aside from hatred northern Illinois being our only rallying point, we don’t really get along amongst ourselves. The east Beaucoupers hate the west Beaucoupers; Anna can’t figure out why Jonesboro keeps tagging along and everyone is wary of Carbondale.

            For this movement to go forward we would have to put aside our provincial jealousies. I ask you brothers and sisters (stop ringing the cowbells for a sec) are you up for that?

            If we are going to be our own state we must determine our borders. The east, west and south are readily defined by the rivers. Where do we draw the line to the north?

            Should it be at America’s truck stop known as Effingham? I think not. What about Centralia, it’s on the cusp of central and Southern Illinois? Maybe that is why they are known as the Orphans. I like Mount Vernon both for its location and its symbolism. It’s named after the estate of George Washington.

            Our next decision involves finding a place for the capital. Carbondale might seem like the logical place because of its central location, but there are too many northern spies crawling around that transient town. Besides, I don’t believe most of the residents there truly reflect our chigger-scratching, cowbell-ringing values. And I don’t like their streetlamps, either.

            I like Kaskaskia Island for several reasons. It was Illinois’ first state capital. It is also truly an island that gets wiped out every couple of decades by Mississippi River floodwaters. Think what that means. We all know that the politicians we elect for the new great state of Southern Illinois will eventually become corrupt. If we stick them all on a flood-prone island we can scrub the capital clean every now and then and start anew.

            There is more to consider. My recommendations follow:

• State flag: Camouflage?
• State bird: Jailbird for all the felons we house
• Motto: If you’re scratching your ankles you must be in Southern Illinois
• Flower: Dandelion
• Mineral: Coal
• Song: Southern Illinois Cannonball

You might think to yourself, “Who the hell is this foreigner telling us what are state will be like?” I thought the same thing myself. That’s why I’m calling you to provide recommendations on all these questions and anything else you deem worthy of the cause. Post your comments below.